Kitchen Table 30

I turned 30 last weekend. I was kind of anticipating it being a more emotionally challenging birthday, and had spent most of the last year curious about when I would have my breakdown, but I love 30. I was actually so excited about 30 that in a way, I feel like I arrived a year early, because the moment I turned 29 I started referring to myself as "almost 30".

I've been noticing the 30 come out in me more this year. My knees always hurt. I listen to NPR while I'm driving. I spend more time with a smaller number of people, and more time alone. I started thinking some of the clothes at JCPenney are cute. I want a five-year plan.

I like 30 because it gives me an excuse to be a grownup. For a while, I've been feeling that transitional pull between worlds, like I'm on the fence between an old stage of life and a new one. And some people have families, or own homes, or have other outside influences speeding them along on the way to greater responsibility. But in the absence of those things, 30 has been the first tangible mental marker that helps me live into the next stage. I keep asking myself questions like, "what would a 30-year-old do in this situation?" That's how I bought my kitchen table. I was wandering around the flea market and saw one I liked and didn't want to spend the money. Now, the old me, the one who was still in her 20s, she would have been OK with eating on the couch for a year. But I was about to be in my 30s, and that's what 30-year-olds do, right? Even when they're in grad school, they buy furniture so they have something to eat on.

I like 30 because it fits with those things. I've never really been one for plans, but looking back, making a decision to come to grad school was already a step towards something approximating a long-range goal. Then I moved here, and, as noted above, my life looks really different than it did in Berkeley. It was becoming clear here that I was outgrowing my 20s, but I was still wearing them. Being "in my 30s" is like finally getting new shoes that are 2 sizes larger - they don't fit perfectly yet, and I'm still figuring out how to walk in them, but instead of busting at the seams, I feel like I've got room to grow into them.