It's Ash Wednesday. I gave up Facebook, I went to church, and remembered that for all of my angst, "De polvo soy, y al polvo volvere" (I am from dust, and to dust I will return). I was happy for the ashes on my forehead, and sad that church is still a lonely place for me after 3 1/2 years in LA. From college on, up until LA, it used to really be the center of my community and social world. Now I go, I sit by myself, and I try to find things to get plugged into but somehow, I haven't put much energy in to the right place at the right time yet. So I sing, and think, and enjoy it for what it is, but it feels somehow grey and lifeless compared to what I know church can be.
I frequently wonder what I want out of church anymore. With work being exhausting these days, and having too many cases that feel hopeless and overwhelming, I think what I want is a place where people gather to celebrate and hope. Where I see (relatively) healthy families. Where people work in community with a sense of hope (even when it's naive) that Yes We Can! make a difference. But sometimes I don't want to spend time thinking about anything big or grand. I just want to keep embracing the community I have, and dig my fingers into dirt, literal or figurative, and live. Read, play frisbee, walk with friends, grow tomatoes, waste time on facebook, do crossword puzzles. I used to want big, grand, idealistic Life all the time. Now I kinda just want normal.
In other news, I'm single again. Sans heartbreak this time, but certainly still bittersweet. I think we were two people trying to fit each other into a space left behind in the shape of someone else. As far as rebounds go, I think it was a soft landing. I have no regrets. He was different from Goat in a lot of ways... some of them were really healing, like realizing that I do not, in fact, have overwhelming emotional needs and that, say, wanting to know where a relationship is going after two years is not asking too much. But he lacked some things that really helped me connect with Goat, and when I felt disconnected from him I just found myself missing Goat more. I had inklings that he was going through something similar, and they were confirmed in a kind of painful way, but interspersed with the usual getting-over-and-readjusting to single life, I find myself excited, once again, about having a life in my own life. Not living out of a bag and traveling to another county every weekend. I may want to be an old married woman - sooner than later would be nice - but not at any cost. I'm not opposed to dating again, but in the meantime I want to play frisbee and get on my bike and go to church and see my friends and plant those tomatoes.
3 comments:
You always have perspective that would take other people many years to find.
We enjoy trying grow strawberries here. :-)
Julie, just a quick note to say hi and I really do love reading your blog. You are so articulate in so many ways, have you ever considered writing a book about your musings on life, or is this blog a sufficient outlet for you? I'm glad to hear you're doing well overall, sad that you're not plugged into a church community after all these years in LA, but hopeful that you still have a connection with God and there is a real relationship there apart from church attendance. As strange as it may sound, it's a true joy to read about your simple pleasures in life such playing frisbee or planting tomatoes...as a mental health worker myself, I'm just aware of too many people who just don't have the capacity or life circumstance to indulge in such simple pleasures. I guess that includes me too...it's 2am and I'm still up studying for the MCAT scheduled for May 1...I can hardly wait for this phase of my life to to be over, whether I get accepted into med school is entirely in God's hands apart from my own feeble efforts, and I will gladly look forward to the day that I will have a moment of absolute freedom to dig my hands into the dirt or take a walk without worrying about biology, chemistry, physics, or analyzing intense verbal passages. So continue to wax philosphy here and I will keep gleaning from your insightful pearls of wisdom :)
Hey Julie, not too many entries these days I noticed, regardless always enjoy reading them. You have very self-aware of the world around you and of yourself, something not commonly seen in many people. Perhaps this attribute may play a role in the relationships with the opposite sex, as I don't know too many females who seem to have difficulty in attracting, let alone maintaining a relationship, something I assumed was primarily a guy problem.
Also mention crying, does this help you in dealing with your emotions and provide a release?
Feel like I'm coming to know you better through this blog.
Post a Comment