Broken Blog

Bleagh, so there's really nowhere easy to start here... so I will just say that I am very very sad right now, and my heart is profoundly broken and the only way I can make it better it is to keep getting out of bed every morning and filling my days with meaningful tasks and people who love me. I'm leaving out the gory details because I don't know who reads this silly old blog anymore, which has been mostly neglected for the last year while my life was cruising along swimmingly enough that I had less need for writing to sort through complicated emotions... so if you're reading it and you're confused, send me an email or a comment if you know me well enough to want to hear more and I'll reply offline. Whether or not you know the story, I'll warn you that I may allow this blog to be taken over, for the time being, as a place to sort through and chronicle both the good and the awful parts of the process of moving on.

Right now I'm on vacation, and that's been a mixed bag. Good to see family, yes, and old friends... who give you permission to be sad and scared and hurt and angry and then remind you how many times you've leapt into something new and scary and how you've been OK every time. People who knew you before this part of your life and who will know you long after. But part of being on vacation now feels like it's just putting off the inevitable, dreadful task of just getting on with life, when you're still not happy about accepting that that's the only option. Going home and changing your routine, your habits, your vacation plans. And the stupid little stuff, like your Facebook status feed which broadcasts to the world that you are "no longer listed as 'in a relationship.'"

I reassured my brother tonight that I am, relatively speaking, doing OK. I believe I will come out the other side, for all practical purposes, fine. I'm not despondent about the future, I don't think this means that I'll die alone with 16 cats, or that I'll forever spurn the advances of well-meaning suitors for fear of getting hurt again. It's just that right now, I fall asleep feeling like I lost my best friend, and no matter how much my head can make sense of it, my heart feels like something is very, very wrong.