List - o - randomness

OK, here is what I am thinking today. It's mostly neurotic, which is what happens when I spend too much time alone.

* I love my classes. I love studying something that I am actually going to use someday, instead of just filling my brain with esoteric ideas that are fun to talk about but don't really ever translate into real life.

* I am afraid of studying something useful, because it means that I will actually have to use it, which involves being evaluated (I can handle taking tests, but videotaping myself practicing therapy makes me want to pee my pants, which I do not really want on tape). It's one thing to be found incompetent in something I don't care about (like filing, or decorating Pete's office). It is an entirely different thing to risk being found incompetent at something I actually care about doing well. I spent the last two years gleefully churning through jobs, because those "failures" (which they were not) didn't mean anything. If I fail here, if I'm a royal bomb of suckage in the therapy arena, then I will have failed at something I actually wanted, which is an entirely different scenario, of which I am petrified. It's been so long since I felt competent at anything that I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

* When exactly did I become a person who assumes I am going to fail at anything that matters?

* I really like hummus.

* Anne Lamott says she mainly only prays two prayers: "Help me help me help me" and "Thank you thank you thank you." I am using them heavily this week, with the occasional addition of, "and ten degrees cooler would be nice."

* I think there are many Christians who could stand to have their definition of "worship" expanded beyond "singing in church."

* Thank you thank you thank you God for surprise conversations with neighbors who turn out to be really cool, just when you really need a good conversation to pull your day out of the trash.

* I will be less cynical tomorrow